Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
