I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
