Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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