In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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