areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
