Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
