those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
