i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
