I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
