apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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