I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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