Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's always time for handjobs
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
