hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
