I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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