Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
MIDGETS
????
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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