i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
