Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
