i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
