Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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