She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
