Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
