mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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