Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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