Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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