So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
