Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
