those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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