I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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