he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
