Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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