census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
