When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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