The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
