just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
