called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
