The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
