she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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