You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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