I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
