Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
