i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
