I wish I could teleport
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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