I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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