get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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