checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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