She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
