Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
