it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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