it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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