You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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