I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
