so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
